Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Yeah. This was me today.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
wut hotdog?
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no