When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Check out the legs on this baby
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.