When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready