Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I can鈥檛 deal with men any longer
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
When ur friends with white people
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
doing your own taxes
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.