Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
why am I working on Labor Day
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
But that’s none of my business
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
😂😂😂
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.