Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.