Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.