First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die