Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
this is the best day of my life
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
This is my favorite one of these!
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.