I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
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Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?