Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My daily affirmation
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids