*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.