academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.