Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I missed you with all my darts
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?