“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question