birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
sliding into dms like
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.