A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
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I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Perfect
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one