My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.