My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school