Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels