Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.