There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.