I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.