If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Merry Christmas
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.