“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Meat Cute
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her