You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same