Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9