SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…