There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
#ParentingFacts
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.