You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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remember
only for emergencies
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.