Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?