This checks out
You Might Also Like
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious