I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.