(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later