Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.