Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
You have been warned.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands