TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Donating blood today to make room for more food
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean