9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese