my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
You Might Also Like
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong