When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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goldfish mafia
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?