me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
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Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
🤣🤣🤣
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive