Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
#StillHurts
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.