St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys