Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
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me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Noted.
Comparing yourself to others
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.