A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.