Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My blood type is b hungry.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same