Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills