“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes