[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
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me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made