You Might Also Like
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
quarantine day 3
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.